#6 We’re all Winners!!!

It’s Week Five folks; that wonderful time when teams have shown how good or bad they are, the playoff picture is fuzzy, but starting to become clearer, yet any team can still go all the way. Yes, St. Louis can still hope for homefield advantage throughout, the Giants could lose 13 straight and the Bengals could have the greatest Superbowl victory in NFL history (it would involve David Blaine as QB and Chad Johnson changing his name to “Galactus, Destroyer of Worlds” at halftime…all of this could happen. In the spirit of this word, “could,” lets discuss the ways by which every ‘0-for’ team can go to, and win, the Superbowl. Oh yeah baby.

The Fallen One's Adversary

Cincinnati: The equation for this is obvious. The team anonymously sends Ben Roethlisberger a brand new Harley with a faulty break line, he crashes it while driving to the Pittsburgh chapter of the German Heritage Society with a pan of Spaetzle in-tow and is subsequently out for the season. The way is now clear for Cinci to dominate the AFC North with a record of 7-9. Chad Johnson beats Satan in a game of “Whose Less Active in the NFL this Year” and therefore gains superpowers. Said powers propel the Bengals through the playoffs and they defeat Washington 666-2. Washington’s 2 pts. come after Chad roars: “Chad scores in whatever endzone he likes!!” and buries the ball in the Bengals’ endzone.

Speaker of the Roundhouse Chuck Norris

Houston: Okay, not so easy on this one, here’s the scenario: Texas secedes from the Union and names native son Tommy Lee Jones Interim Dictator. His reign is gloriously benevolent, yet firm and god-fearing. The Cowboys refuse to play in his newly created “Don’t Mess With This Football League,” so the Texans are League champs by defacto. Texas agrees to take responsibility for Oklahoma if Houston is allowed to play in the Superbowl against the NFC Championship winning Dallas Cowboys. The United States Government agrees. Houston wins in a nail biter largely the result of the entire Dallas team being executed at halftime for treason.  Bruce Springsteen’s performance is good, but not great.

To YHWH Belongs the Glory

Detroit Lions: This is the most likely scenario of all. In the midst of a post-loss cry, John Kitna channels his vengeful pagan god and is given the power of composing motivational Christian music the likes of which have never been seen! The subsequent proceeds from record sales bring the Lions untold millions and they acquire Adrian Petersen, they N.Y. Giants defense, Dallas’ O-line and Payton Manning. Kitna’s wrath is great because of the qb’s arrival and Manning rides the bench. The Lions, with Kitna taking the snaps, can only manage a wild card. Kitna, however, is called by YHWH to spread the word and leaves the team. Without him the Lions easily run the table.

Albert rufuses to acknowledge Kansas City is in Missouri

St. Louis: Okay, stick with me on this one because it’s gonna come quick. The Rams win all of their home games because of forfeits, as visiting teams are too enraptured with the plethora of activities the Gateway City provides to show up to the stadium. To make matters all the more sweet, the western seaboard of the U.S. is wiped off the map after California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declares war on the Pacific Ocean and loses. As a result the Rams only need to beat out the Cardinals. The Division title is decided by a dread-off between Steven Jackson and Edgerrin James, which is easily won by Jackson. Fueled by Albert Pujols’ motivational, if not comprehensible speeches, the Rams sweep through the NFC and meet the Bronco’s in the Superbowl. Jay Cutler’s diabetes manifests itself in human form on a number of crucial 3^rd down plays and commits penalty after penalty. The Rams win gloriously 3-0 and Marc Bulger is named Missouri’s Secretary of Reminding America that Missouri is Still a State.

Tags: Albert Pujols, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ben Roethlisberger, Chad Johnson, Chuck Norris, Cincinnati Bengals, Dallas Cowboys, David Blaine, Denver Broncos, Detroit Lions, Edgerrin James, funny, Houston Texans, Humor, Jay Cutler, John Kitna, Marc Bulger, Missouri, New York Giants, nfl, NFL analysis, NFL Week Five, St. Louis Cardinals, St. Louis Rams, Steven Jackson, Superbowl, Tommy Lee Jones, Washington Redskins