Abroad (and not for NFL Europe)

My dearest readers:

As of tomorrow (Sunday the 12th) I’m off for Europe for two weeks.  And yes, I do tell you this partially to boast, but mostly to excuse in advance my lack of posts.  As the stock-market plumets, there seems to be no better time to get the hell out of this country and take advantage of the suddenly less peso-esque value of the greenback.

I assure you all in good faith that I will resist any temptations to watch soccer, but after seeing today’s Oklahoma v. Texas game I must say that acting is as prevalent in our football as it is in theirs.

So, I leave you with these tidbits to digest:

1. The Titans Will Not Win the AFC South: Now I’m not trying to be a hater here; I am a big fan of Jeff Fisher.  But come on.  They’ve played Baltimore, Houston, Cincinnati and Minnesota.  Need I elaborate?  And Kerry isn’t a real solution.  But, I’ll give them their due: kudos to an excellent job thus far.  2 games with Indy and another with the ever-improving Jags will be a wake up call for this team.

2. The Giants Are the NFL’s Best: No need for explanation here folks, if you disagree you haven’t seen them play.

Sorry, but packing awaits!  I must tear myself away.  Cheers all and thanks for coming back!

#6 We’re all Winners!!!

It’s Week Five folks; that wonderful time when teams have shown how good or bad they are, the playoff picture is fuzzy, but starting to become clearer, yet any team can still go all the way. Yes, St. Louis can still hope for homefield advantage throughout, the Giants could lose 13 straight and the Bengals could have the greatest Superbowl victory in NFL history (it would involve David Blaine as QB and Chad Johnson changing his name to “Galactus, Destroyer of Worlds” at halftime…all of this could happen. In the spirit of this word, “could,” lets discuss the ways by which every ‘0-for’ team can go to, and win, the Superbowl. Oh yeah baby.

The Fallen One's Adversary

Cincinnati: The equation for this is obvious. The team anonymously sends Ben Roethlisberger a brand new Harley with a faulty break line, he crashes it while driving to the Pittsburgh chapter of the German Heritage Society with a pan of Spaetzle in-tow and is subsequently out for the season. The way is now clear for Cinci to dominate the AFC North with a record of 7-9. Chad Johnson beats Satan in a game of “Whose Less Active in the NFL this Year” and therefore gains superpowers. Said powers propel the Bengals through the playoffs and they defeat Washington 666-2. Washington’s 2 pts. come after Chad roars: “Chad scores in whatever endzone he likes!!” and buries the ball in the Bengals’ endzone.

Speaker of the Roundhouse Chuck Norris

Houston: Okay, not so easy on this one, here’s the scenario: Texas secedes from the Union and names native son Tommy Lee Jones Interim Dictator. His reign is gloriously benevolent, yet firm and god-fearing. The Cowboys refuse to play in his newly created “Don’t Mess With This Football League,” so the Texans are League champs by defacto. Texas agrees to take responsibility for Oklahoma if Houston is allowed to play in the Superbowl against the NFC Championship winning Dallas Cowboys. The United States Government agrees. Houston wins in a nail biter largely the result of the entire Dallas team being executed at halftime for treason.  Bruce Springsteen’s performance is good, but not great.

To YHWH Belongs the Glory

Detroit Lions: This is the most likely scenario of all. In the midst of a post-loss cry, John Kitna channels his vengeful pagan god and is given the power of composing motivational Christian music the likes of which have never been seen! The subsequent proceeds from record sales bring the Lions untold millions and they acquire Adrian Petersen, they N.Y. Giants defense, Dallas’ O-line and Payton Manning. Kitna’s wrath is great because of the qb’s arrival and Manning rides the bench. The Lions, with Kitna taking the snaps, can only manage a wild card. Kitna, however, is called by YHWH to spread the word and leaves the team. Without him the Lions easily run the table.

Albert rufuses to acknowledge Kansas City is in Missouri

St. Louis: Okay, stick with me on this one because it’s gonna come quick. The Rams win all of their home games because of forfeits, as visiting teams are too enraptured with the plethora of activities the Gateway City provides to show up to the stadium. To make matters all the more sweet, the western seaboard of the U.S. is wiped off the map after California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declares war on the Pacific Ocean and loses. As a result the Rams only need to beat out the Cardinals. The Division title is decided by a dread-off between Steven Jackson and Edgerrin James, which is easily won by Jackson. Fueled by Albert Pujols’ motivational, if not comprehensible speeches, the Rams sweep through the NFC and meet the Bronco’s in the Superbowl. Jay Cutler’s diabetes manifests itself in human form on a number of crucial 3^rd down plays and commits penalty after penalty. The Rams win gloriously 3-0 and Marc Bulger is named Missouri’s Secretary of Reminding America that Missouri is Still a State.

#5 NFL Week 4 Review

Okay, first things first: I suppose I can take away the crown I gave to Denver last week and finally give Tampa and Tennessee some props. This is why the NFL is so great: Dallas, Green Bay and Denver all go down, Buffalo and Tennessee are 4-0 and Larry Johnson suddenly looks like Larry Johnson again….gotta love it!

Now that I’ve admitted my fallibility (I know, my world is falling apart too), let’s get on to some additional fallible analysis:

Cleveland @ Cincinnati (aka: The Someone had to Win Bowl): Well, I guess no one had to win technically, but this game nonetheless lived up to this statement. Ugh. What the hell is going on with the AFC North!!?? I gotta tell you, I’m still  clinging to the idea that this division was becoming solid; it’s ridiculous, i know. These teams are awful, Pittsburgh seems to be collapsing and Baltimore is a year or two away. But hey, at least CJ finally scored….he’s NOT gonna be in Cinci next year by the way. I don’t know, I gotta give up on it. This division is terrible and Pittsburgh fans should be celebrating their victory now, despite how bad their team looks.

Houston @ Jacksonville: I don’t know how to read this game. Did the Texans play well? Did Jacksonville play poorly? I don’t think so. What we saw were two so-so teams. Jacksonville’s not as good as they should be, and Houston showed that they’re knocking on mediocrity’s door. It’s tough; I really like both of these teams. This is a great win for Jacksonville because right now any win is a great win. But they really needed to come away looking better than they did. Garrard, however, did look like his old self, and kicker Josh Scobee is showing himself to be Mr. Clutch; he’s seriously this team’s MVP. Houston on the other hand….I just don’t know. They seem to always rise to the occasion just enough to lose in a close one. Schaub looked great against a solid D and the team didn’t turn the ball over, but they still lost. I don’t know how the Texans will take this game. If Jacksonville was really legit, they’d probably be glad they played them so close, but the Jags are still struggling. Tough one to read.

Atlanta @ Carolina: I gotta say the NFC South looks pretty damn exciting: Carolina is back baby!! I don’t know how they fell off to begin with. But this was a must win for them, and they looked good doing it. Granted: a win against Atlanta isn’t especially noteworthy, but it nonetheless showed that Carolina is legit. Not allowing a TD is always good, especially against a team with rb’s as good as Turner and Dunn. I still like the Falcons though. They didn’t turn the ball over, didn’t get blown out and are really developing. Matt Ryan is doing everything that he should be and I’d be pleased as a fan. The South should be tight folks!

Handsome Devil

Denver @ Kansas City: Yeah, I don’t know either. But here it is: (and I realize this might be taking the easy way out) this game was a fluke. I know, it’s too easy. But come on, KC is still awful and Denver is still good. Not to take anything away from the Cheifs (they beat the team I hate the most!) and not to let Denver off the hook (this is like losing to Montana State), but this was the exception to the rule. This is why the NFL rocks: great teams lose to bad teams. How many teams have won a Superbowl without losing a game?….that’s right: one. Uno folks, its not exactly something that you can expect. Denver is still the best offense in the AFC, but that defense might be their death. This team is built for the regular season: good running and great passing. But playing in the howling wind late in the year with a defense like this? Its not a pretty picture.

San Francisco @ New Orleans: Okay, finally a game that made sense! Yeah, San Fran has a long way to go. But Frank Gore was solid in spite of the other 21 starters. The Saints looked like themselves: is good but not great. This team is so exciting on offense: Brees hit 9 different targets and Bush and Deuce complemented each other brilliantly. Surprisingly, the bright spot for them was their D: getting two picks, six sacks and not giving up a td till the 4^th qtr. Granted, they still gave up 17 pts. to a shabby team, but they got the job done. Again, the NFC South is gonna be fun to watch all season.

Arizona at NY Jets: Kurt Warner had two td’s, 472 yards and completed 70% of his passes…and was the lesser qb in this game. What the hell!? I realize this is a pass happy league and the hey-day of grinding it out on the ground is of a bygone era, but GOD!!! You have to run the ball more than 15 times. This Arizona offense is soooo weird. I mean, Favre through 6 td’s and the Jets still ran the ball almost twice as many times as Arizona! But, to be fair, Warner and his crew put up 35 pts and you really can’t ask for more than that. Now, they also had 6 (SIX!!!) turnovers which is totally unacceptable, but they did all they could to make up for it.  In short, 35 pts should win you a game, especially against the Jets. Obviously this loss is on Arizona’s defense’s hands. So what did we learn?? Well, Favre is still Favre, and the Cards need to think about getting some new defensive backs, ugh.

The stache was not injured

Green Bay @ Tampa: Another fluke? I don’t think so. Green Bay was simply out played. Tampa really made a statement about their defense in this game. The Buc’s won this game straight up and deserve their due. As for the Pack, I’d cross my fingers about Rodgers; and not just because of his injury. He barely completed half his passes and threw three picks. But in reality, this says more about Tampa’s D than it does about Rodgers. Tampa is legit folks. I hope Rodgers is okay and would expect that he’ll rebound in a big way next week in Atlanta if he’s healthy.

Minnesota @ Tennessee: You know, I think I have to concede my error here. Tennessee’s D is really that good. WOW!  They’re fast, strong and smart; its an extremely well-coached crew.  Now, they were up against a one-trick-pony Minnesota offense here, but they looked incredible. I gotta say, this team is a wild card. I don’t know how to read them still, but I’m starting to think they’re more solid than I give ‘em credit for. Benching Young is great for this team and their offense has looked much better without him. Putting up 30 pts against a stingy Vikings defense says a lot, especially with a back up qb. As for Minnesota, they’ve still got a long way to go. But this team will be good…give them time.

San Diego @ Oakland: You might say that Oakland should have won this game. After all, 25 of San Diego’s 28 points were scored in the 4^th qtr. On the other hand, Oakland could only manage one touchdown. Here’s the deal: you really can’t make too much of this game. It’s a divisional rivalry and these games are always unpredictable. Washington beat Dallas, Miami humiliated New England and Baltimore always plays Pittsburgh close, even in their worst seasons. I suppose the biggest thing is this: Tomlinson looked good, but not until late, Rivers looked bad and Oakland definitely has talent. But nothing definitive can be taken away from this game, except that divisional games are great to watch.

Buffalo @ St. Louis: Steven Jackson got in the endzone!!! God, what a day. But really, this is tough game to assess. I mean, Buffalo beat up on the Rams pretty good, but the numbers tells a different story. St. Louis had two turnovers, but Buffalo had one, the Rams had more than 100 more yards than the Bills on offense, both teams were terrible on 3^rd down conversions and the time of possession was relatively equally split. I don’t know, if I were a Buffalo fan I would be a little less than pleased with this game. But, a win is a win and they proved themselves in the 4^th qtr which any good team needs to do.

The Lord's Anointed

Washington @ Dallas: We’re back to this divisional issue. Everyone wants to dethrone Dallas (a throne which was given to them by these same people) and give Washington their blessing. Can you really take that away from this game? Essentially, Dallas played poorly and Washington played well…and still only won by two. Now, give the ‘Skins their due. They fully exploited Dallas’ terrible secondary and dominated with their run game. I’d say the biggest take away from this game for Dallas is this: Jason Garrett is OVERRATED!!!! Yes, yes, the Lord’s Anointed has been called out. Listen, he’s a great coordinator, but he has an identity crisis. Whenever things aren’t going Dallas’ way they decide to throw on every down. It’s disgusting. This team has the best backfield tandem in the NFL and ran the ball 10 times… 10 TIMES!!! This is why Dallas lost. Washington’s offense played well, but a high power offense like Dallas’ should be able to match 26 pts. I mean, Felix Jones getting 0 touches!!!! Ugh…get it together Jason.

Philadelphia @ Chicago: An ugly game. The predictable basically happened here: Chi-town’s D looked great, but Philly managed to score a respectable amount against it. The difference here was Kyle Orton throwing 3 td’s in the 1^st half. 3 TD’S… BY KYLE ORTON! What the hell!?? It’s one thing for a Bear’s qb to have a fluke game like this, but quite another for an otherwise impressive Philly defense to be the victim! I don’t know what to make of it. A heartbreaker for the Eagles, who really should have won this game, but you never know with the Bears. If their D is at its best, all their offense needs is a little movement and they’ll be in the game with anyone. I like the Bears and they’re a good qb away from being a great team.

Arguments?

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh: I swear that the Steelers are the luckiest team in sports. They were outplayed for 90% of this game and still managed to win. I also have to admit that Baltimore looks better than what I gave them credit for, even though they lost. That defense proved it’s still nasty (only giving up 16 pts) and Flacco looks legit. I think this team could be good, but the problem is that its offense will only start to become fully developed in a few years and by then their defense will be well passed its prime. Ugh, but who knows, if they can keep stocking the shelves on D the Ravens will be very good in the next few years. As for the Steelers, what can you say? They’re lucky. Ben and his O-line were completely owned by the Ravens’ D and the team only managed 71 rushing yards on 28 carries. The Steelers have gotten worse every week and they need to wake up in a bad way.

#4 Three Gambles

Beach Justice

NO! Not, Gumbels. Writing that name is sin enough, let alone suggesting there could be more of them; two is two too many. Greg Gumbel is like that uncle you never liked. You know, the one who wore styling gel well into his 40’s, always asked you about some activity you hadn’t been interested in for three years and had the wife that wore western-themed clothing. The one with the Mazda that always needed a jump start and who gave you disposable cameras for Christmas….you get the picture. And Lesser (Bryant) Gumbel? Oh man, he makes Phil Simms’ commentary look like Shakespearean prose! Lesser Gumble is the guy you have to settle for at a party where you don’t know anyone. The one that tells you he looooooves Pabst and eagerly explains the intricacies of fine literature like The Davinci Code……Wow. That, folks, is a digression.

But anyway, what I want to explore in this post are three gambles I’m putting my money on this season. So, without anymore commentary on Gumble2Gumble, here they are:

1. Denver Wins the AFC West: Okay, okay. This isn’t really a gamble if you know your head from your ass (pun intended? you’ll never know). Sure, the Donkeys winning the West isn’t necessarily a shoe-in, but I can’t say the limb I’m going out on here is thin. BUT, San Diego still seems to be the conventional pick for this division. Also, I’ll kick it up a notch and say that Denver will have homefield throughout the playoffs. There are number of reasons why the Chargers won’t win this division, the most major of which is how good Denver looks. Cutler is the best qb in the AFC right now (though Rivers isn’t far behind him), their backs and O line consistently control the line of scrimmage, and Marshall is incredible. In short, they’re a better team than San Diego. But Denver being good doesn’t rule the Chargers out de facto; rather, San Diego’s own weaknesses are their main problem. As the Tuna would say, they are what their record says they are…..and what Ed Hochuli says they are.

2. Miami Wins 8: Oh yeah, you read it right. God I’ll regret this but to hell with it. This team has talent. Ronnie Brown is a top 5 back, Pennington…..well…..no, no, I won’t say looks good, but he doesn’t look terrible. Anthony Fasono is a great TE and their D is better than last year (yes, they still suck, but they’ve hit rock bottom and are climbing back up). PLUS! Ricky Williams is nervous breakdown free thus far, and is starting to look like a legitimate player again. I know you don’t buy it and to be frank I’m not fully buying it either. But watch and see folks, this team has demonstrated that it’s already transformed itself from last year. And perhaps most importantly, their schedule includes: Houston, Oakland, St. Louis and Kansas City. Add it up; I like this gamble.

Reaction to a Tarvaris Jackson Pass

3. Minnesota Below .500: Again, I don’t know if I see this as a huge gamble, but most analysts think these guys should win the NFC North. WHAT!!!! This is the Packers’ division without any room for debate. Even if this team somehow slipped, Chicago would be next in line. Now, let me explain myself. I like the Vikings a lot. This team should be good in a few seasons. But their D is good, not great, their qb situation is as bad as it gets and teams are prepared to focus on A.P. Minnesotans, pray for the Twinkies cause they’re your only team makin waves this year.

#3 ESPN: A Midweek Report

A treatise on the network I love and hate:

Oh ESPN, you dirty girl you. You wooed my heart away, only to stomp on it. You made me believe in the impossible dream, only to tell me it was just that. In short, you’ve screwed me. ESPN, I hate you…..and love you.

Here’s the thing. I watch this network all the time…all the time. And although criticizing the network regardless of this makes me a hypocrite (of which I’m painfully aware), it also qualifies my commentary. Essentially, here’s the rub: before its dramatic success this network was great. The anchors were funny, smart, not worried about being politically correct to the point of becoming irrelevant and just plain old sports fanatics. Now all of these guys seem like CNN hosts that are more concerned with sounding professional, than being interesting. Alas!

Anyway, the reasons for my woe are many; in fact, I’m hard pressed to know where to start. But allow me to present to you my rough list of reasons for hating ESPN:

Qualification Note: I hate because I love folks. It’s out of a desire for the hey-day of ESPN that I must attack the current state of the network. It’s like ‘Nam; destroy the village to save it.

Nascar Loyal

-Shamelessly covering NASCAR: Unforgivable! Listen, I realize money talks. I also realize that if a sports network wasn’t profitable, even if it had the coolest programming ever, it wouldn’t last a month. BUT!! There MUST be some standards. ESPN covers this ridiculousness because rednecks love it, and there are lots of rednecks. Therefore, Old Spice buys lots of advertising during this programming (along with Remington, Christians, and Ford). So the network makes a buck and all the while their rep as a network that covers actual sports is ruined….I mean, golf is one thing, but NASCAR?

-Giving Skip Bayless a job: This is unforgivable. Bayless belongs on a garbage barge in the middle of the Atlantic with flesh-eating mutants. This guy was assembled in some dimly lit basement out of the remains of dead shock-jocks. He’s a hack, and I get that that’s his thing, but ESPN provides the means for this guy to be heard, which is a crime against humanity. What can you say? I mean, a ditzy blonde I get, but Skip? His name is Skip!

The Bros. K About to be Eaten and/or Yelled at

-Chris Berman: I’m not gonna waste your time or mine folks. You know why he’s on this list, and if you don’t just watch him for 30 seconds. (His latest trend of yelling “WHAAAP!!! when showing a clip of a back breaking a tackle is the most recent of his atrocities).

-No Kenny Mayne: As I believe Kenny Mayne is still employed by this network, it’s egregious that he isn’t on it as much as possible. This guy is not only their BEST current anchor, he’s also quite possibly the best ESPN has ever had. Yet, he’s never on. My romantic vision of things is that he’s aware of how garbage the network is and subsequently receded into the shadows. (note: if you haven’t seen his “mayne event” series, you missing out. The one on Marshawn Lynch is about the best thing ever)

-NFL Live: This show, by all rights, should be great. Recapping the week’s games, updating injuries and trades, and of course showing Tom Brady screaming after his injury over and over. Not to mention that John Clayton is an NFL guy, and a great reporter. But somehow ESPN has found a way to make this show terrible. For starters, Trey Wingo is like a poor man’s Stuart Scott, and Stuart Scott is the anti-Christ. Secondly, they’ve somehow found a way to employ only two types of ex-players to comment: morons, and guys that weren’t very good. Sean Salisbury is possibly the stupidest man alive (I loved when he’d argue with Clayton…you could tell he was about to resort to calling him a “fag” or something), Mark Schlereth is primordial ooze that can talk and Tom Jackson is still trying (and failing) to form complete sentences. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to players as hosts out-of-hand. Troy Aikman (who’s had 42 concussions) is a great announcer, Howie Long is actually tolerable and Darren Woodsen and Tiki Barber are smart and well-spoken. So its not that the guys on NFL Live are bad because they are players, its just that they are specimens of early Cromagnum Man.

-Jim Rome: Again, we return to the shock jocks. I thought these guys were all killed by Congressional Decree. The thing that erks me about Rome is this: he’s right a lot of the time, but has no concept that no one cares, nor should they, about what he thinks. I mean, who is this guy? If you wanna be a complete asshole, that’s fine, but at least have the sense to take yourself with a grain of salt. Rome is pissed off about sports (sports!!!) and is extremely serious about it. I mean I think he actually loses sleep about the existence of the WNBA. You gotta give him his due for that whole Kris Everett thing, but that was pre-ESPN.

Note: I realize the irony of the above, as I’m coming off as pissed. So allow me to tell you that I realize I’m an idiot, and know that no one should EVER really care about my opinions…thank you.

"...and The Riders Brought Death with Them"

-E60: Ok, this quite possibly was the single biggest influence on me finally snapping and writing this. This show desperately tries to take sports seriously and comes across as the 60 minutes of kickball. That, in and of itself, is ridiculous, but I will concede that there is a potential for legitimate news within professional sports. However, E60 doesn’t manage to find it. There has never, NEVER, been anything interesting on this show. Not to mention that it is the venue for Jeremy Schaap to continue to be heard. This guy is like cancer for sports. He’ll be talking about Terrell Owens’ latest endorsement and treat it like he’s covering a Presidential assassination. God, where are these people made?

Well that’s it, but I’m sure you’ll see that this list is incomplete. Down the road you can look forward to thoughts on:

Stewart Scott

Jay Harris and Brian Kenney (and my hope for a fight to the death)

Monday Night Football Crew

Sal Paolantonio

And of course Jay Mariotti

#2 AFC: Weak (yes, not week) 3

WEEK 3 (AFC)

Worth a Thousand Words

Firstly, you’re welcome for the above pun. Secondly, let’s unpack said pun. Patriots, Colts and Jags…wow. Ok, so the Jags perhaps do not deserve this comment this week, but surly it still applies to their season. I don’t know, dare I say it, is the NFC back??? Surly it can’t be! This is a conference that consistently sends 9-7 teams to the playoffs. But, what else can be said? In short, the AFC has slipped. The Ravens are no longer scary (though Ray Lewis still is), Tom Brady will be spending all season siring bastard children instead of throwing touchdowns for the Pats, and the Colts frankly look very beatable. So without further adieu, I give you the AFC Week Three Review:

AFC North:

Baltimore: Ugh, has there ever been an uglier 2-0 team? Probably. But this team is seriously unimpressive. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a special place in my heart for the city of Baltimore after watching The Wire on HBO, but still, the city shouldn’t stop dealin’ and killin’ to joyously watch their Ravens just yet. Hey, they could pull some magic off this year, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Pittsburgh: Hmmmm, what do we make of their loss to Philly? On the one hand, it was close and their D certainly played well; on the other, they seemed incapable of adapting to the blitz. That Quaker qb of theirs is good, but needs more than 3 seconds in the pocket. A lesser guy woulda been sacked 15 times. I don’t know, I think the biggest concern this team has (beyond Willie Parker’s injury) is their play calling. The coaching staff needs to step it up. Philly’s good, but they needed to win that game.

Cleveland: As with Minnesota, I gotta break with conventional thinking on Cleveland’s ugliness thus far. Last season was GREAT for this team, and we’ve all gotta enjoy seeing the Browns looking decent for once. But they’ve been unfairly expected to be great this year. They’re in a tough division, have no money to work with and were god-awful two seasons ago. It’s a win now league, but give ‘em time. I don’t know how high they’ll rise, but they’ve got talent. And regardless of his dousch-baggery, Kellen Winslow is the most dangerous tight end in the game.

Cincinnati: A single tear my friends. The people of Ohio have so little to live for this year. The Reds? THE Ohio State University? LeBron? Ugh. Well, I’ll tell you this: This is the most dysfunctional team in the NFL, and I don’t know why. Palmer’s injury? Chad Johnson’s insanity? That defense? All of the above? Whatever it is, its frustrating to see a team this good be so bad. I really thought this year they’d turn it around, but it doesn’t look like it’ll happen. But you can bet any team that sleeps on these guys will be upset.

AFC East:

New England: I’m trying so hard to not take a cheap shot at Belichick here folks, but to hell with it: all the cheating in the world won’t teach Matt Cassel how to throw. But what I love so much about this teams impending demise is this: they’ve bought themselves Yankee’s Syndrome. They’ve traded away all their draft picks for vets, and now they have an old team without a qb. I LOVE IT! Especially considering that all Boston fans insist that their teams are all about average joe’s getting a shot. Hahahaha. But the best part? Joey Porter playing the villain last week and then completely backing up his talk: love it.

Buffalo: Another 3-0 team I’m not buying, BUT, they are a good team. Marshawn Lynch is terrific; Trent Edwards is coming along and the team plays hard. But I hope this doesn’t become another situation where if this team doesn’t go to the AFC championship this year they’re a bust. I love the NFL when the Bills are good, so I hope they continue to develop.

Miami: Bill Parcells knows football. I’ll say this again: Bill Parcells knows football. Look at the Patriots (their coach and great assistants are all Parcells guys), and Dallas. The man knows football folks from the ground up. His teams draft well, sign great guys and develop young talent exceptionally well. As a coach he’s sort of B+ guy, but his spot in Miami is perfect. This team is back on the ups, and having Ronnie Brown doesn’t hurt.

New York: Ugh. I don’t know. What can you say. To hell with this “big market” crap first and foremost. The Jets aren’t good, and New Yorkers know it. Getting rid of Jonathan Vilma was a bad move, and Thomas Jones is just good enough to not be mediocre. And Favre? What’d anyone expect? The man’s great, but he’s 80, and knows nothing about that offense. So they’ve got Favre this year, that’s about all that excites me.

AFC South:

Note: Perhaps the one division that could have given the NFC East a run for being the best in football has stumbled out of the gates.

Indianapolis: Tough loss. But Jacksonville always plays them close. Only this year it was two very different teams than what we’ve been treated to the past few years. This team makes its living on Manning. He’s hurt. So it makes sense they’re not lookin great. But even if he played for the Rams they’d be in the playoff hunt. Their D is hurt, their O-line is hurt, and Harrison isn’t 100%. This team is at about half strength and still has more wins than the Lions. They’ll be fine this year; no Superbowl, but this division should be theirs.

Jacksonville: I really like Garrard. But he looks very, very poor this year. But fans should be excited by Fred Taylor still looking good, and Herc is still nasty. This team is built on D, so that’s the question for them this year. They’re like the Bears with a quarterback and two good rb’s, so they’ve got no excuse to have less than 10 wins. But who knows, I can see ‘em playin .500 this year.

Tennessee: Tough one to call. I don’t like this team. They’ve got the classiest coach in the NFL, but it’s hard to trust them. Great D, but its one of those deals where they came out of nowhere. If they win next week they’ll have a bulls-eye on their backs and will probably start losing. And Vince? These UT guys are so emotional!! First Ricky Williams and now Young? What’s the deal Texas? But in all honesty, he doesn’t seem like he’s got what it takes for the NFL. It’ll be very interesting to see how far this team goes; if everyone else in this division continues to play poorly, it could be theirs.

Houston: You know, I like this team a lot. But they look soooo bad. Schaub looks like a different player from last year, Andre Johnson hasn’t got the ball enough, and they can’t run the ball. Their D is playing poorly and is much better than that. I doubt they’ll win 8, but they have the personnel to turn it around.

AFC West

Denver: Wow. Jay Cutler is shockingly good. Really, this kid is gonna be very good for a long time. And, as usual, the team has 48 different rb’s that are all talented. Finally, Brandon Marshall looks to be the best wr in the NFL. The USF kid can play folks, regardless of his off the field antics. All of this, of course, sucks for those of us who have no love for the Donkey’s and Mike Shanahan.

San Diego: You know, I’ve never been one to lay a team’s issues at the coach’s feet, but in this case I think you can. Norv Turner is kind of a hack. He’s a great coordinator (brilliant in Dallas), but his head coaching record speaks for itself. But, the team has other issues. LT suddenly looks old and the defense looks substantially worse. Phillip Rivers on the other hand looks great. Fans should be stoked about this, especially considering how good Brees continues to look in N.O. In short, this team has a ton of talent, but needs a big season to get out of the funk they’re in.

Oakland: This is the weirdest team in professional sports. I really don’t understand the thinking that goes on at any level with the Raiders. They go out and spend a ton of money on draft picks and free agents, and all they have to show is a little potential in McFadden. Grated, the guy is amazing, but it’s tough for a rb to develop without a passing game to take some pressure off. The Kiffen deal is the least of this team’s problems. Russell can’t pass and doesn’t look very mobile. I don’t understand how any team can have faith in drafting an option qb out of college. Without a complete change of direction the Raiders are going to continue to disappoint.

Kansas City: This is the worst team in the NFL. And again, I’m a little stumped. Larry Johnson, who doesn’t look half as good as he did two years ago, is still solid, Gonzo is still a stud and despite their qb issues, it seemed like they’re backups were doing an ok job at first. But the D is terrible and the offense can’t move the ball. These guys are gonna be bad for a while and the list of things to fix is too long to take care of in one or two seasons. Good luck!

#1 Week 3? Ohhhhhhhhh, I’ll tell you all about it (NFC)

-WEEK 3 (NFC)-

Week Three.  God, we hardly knew ye.  You came and went too soon.  How I would have enjoyed seeing Ronnie Brown continue to embarrass New England, how I would have loved to seen Ben Rothlisdeutsher sacked about 8 more times, and how I so desperately would have loved to see Packer fans continue to deal with their team’s mediocrity…..

But, alas, all was not perfect.  After all, we did have to see Norv Turner’s seat get a little less hot.  I was hoping he’d follow up his tact from last week with equal stupidity.  Do you believe this guy?  His wining and moaning after Hochuli blew that call actually made Ed look like the good guy. Norv, everyone knows you were robbed, but don’t whine about it like an 11 year old, it makes you look like an imp.

We also had to deal with Tampa winning.  Now, I’ve got no hate for that team whatsoever.  But it’s so fun to watch Gruden lose.  You can literally see his mind planning who to blame when he’s losing.  Plus, he’ll get grey hairs with a loss, and I’m in favor of supporting the Tampa Hair Stylists Union which has 100’s of hours logged already in service of his devilishly handsome high (and low) lights.

But I digress.  What we’ve learned, Week 3:

NFC North:

Green Bay:  They’re good, no one can dispute it.  But last year they were driving a car that got 90 miles per gallon and such luck is never meant to last.  Wake up call this year, and it’s not because of Rodgers who by the way is shockingly good.  Really, he’s got a mature pocket presence, a great arm and is a genuinely smart player…praise from Caesar here folks as I hate the Pack.

Minnesota:  All the heat Childress is getting is ridiculous.  Yeah, A.P. is a phenom, but that team had NOTHING when he arrived and they don’t have much now.  What they do have is because of him.  Instead of seeing a playoff team that’s disappointing, I see it a pretty bad team with a good defense, a great run game and a great coach.  Lay off folks, this team is in a position to be very good in a few years.

Chicago:  Ah the Bears.  What can you say?  The Lord Almighty decreed long ago that this team would never have a good qb.  The true enigma of this team is that they  draft defense better than any other, and are continually the worst at drafting offense.  I don’t get it, but a change is needed.  That town has great fans and they deserve a qb that can play.

Detroit: Ahhhhhh, it’s so hard.  Not much to say.  Their biggest potential this year is playing the upsetter.  They’ve got the best receiving group in the nfl, but that’s about it.  Oh, and Kitna is a great source of comic relief.

NFC East:

Dallas: Superbowl or bust?  Hmm, I don’t agree.  Firstly, this team has signed ALL and I mean ALL, of its talent to long-term contracts.  They will be very good for a long time.  But the talent they have mandates they go deep, Jerry’s gotta lot of money invested in some winter victories.  This team is interesting, they’re so talented but they never seem to click all the way.  I for one am not in love with Offensive Coordinator (and sweetheart of the press) Jason Garrett.  His play calling is sporadic.  One week he throws the whole game, one he runs.  And it’s not done to mix things up; rather, its because of a lack of identity for that offense.  The brightest spot right now is Felix Jones.  What a pickup.  Wow.

New York: Alright, I gotta be fair.  I always thought Eli was a bust: ALWAYS.  But man, he looks good.  Giants fans should be stoked.  And that defense?  This team is the real deal.  They’re not the best, but they’re probably the most well-rounded team in the nfl.  A great D, a good qb, the deepest crew of rb’s in the nfl (have you noticed how good backup Derrick Ward is!), and an all star wr in Burress.  They’re gonna make a run for a repeat.

Philadelphia: In week three we learned more about this team than any other.  WOW!  That defense is SPECTACULAR.  Granted, the play calling by Pitt. was pretty poor, but nonetheless that D was incredible.  Where was that last week?  With a healthy McNabb, the best all around player in the NFL in Westbrook and great coaching, this team is very, very good.

Washington: I gotta plead ignorance here folks.  I don’t know what to make of this team.  Clinton Portis continues to show that he’s a great back, and Santana Moss is ageless, but it’s hard for me to make up my mind on this team.  Comments would be appreciated.

NFC South

Tampa Bay: Ugh.  Its not fair, but I don’t like this team.  Gruden is so polarizing.  Drama seems to follow him.  And lets get real here.  Brian Griese??  BRIAN GRIESE??  No, no, no.  I’m sorry, this guy is gonna have to break every record in the books to get me on his wagon.  No, NO!  Bad.  You, see, his very name has reverted me to a childlike state.

Carolina:  I really want to like this team.  Fox is a great guy, and this team has all the elements of a pretty good team.  I love Steve Smith.  The guy is half the size of a T.O., Brandon Marshall, or Randy Moss and is sooooo damn good.  And getting Muhammed back was great.  But they’re not clicking and I think Delhomme doesn’t have much left to offer.

New Orleans:  This has to be the most enigmatic team in football.  Who the hell knows what they’re gonna do from week to week!?  One day Bush can’t gain a yard, the next he gets 120 against a great D.  The biggest single problem this team has, obviously, is their D.  Its terrible.  But Sean Payton is one of the best young coaches in the game, and Drew Brees is great.  I love this guy.  His teams are never quite awesome, but he always is.  I really do like this team a lot, but they’ve gotta start building up that front 7, not to mention their db’s.

Hotlanta: You know, for a team that’s never been consistently good, I’d be pretty darn jacked if I were an Atlanta fan.  Good draft, and probably  the best offseason pickup of the year in Michael Turner.  Are you kidding me?  This guy is a horse!  And, for a rookie, Ryan looks good.  Not great, but not deceptively successful like Vince Young either.  He’s gonna be a solid guy I think.  It’s always hard to say with rookies, unless they’re Payton Manning, but he looks good.  And Roddy White is showing himself to be quite a stud.

NFC West:

Note: Before you kid yourself, only read this if you’re a fan of one these teams.  This Division is terrible.

Arizona: Ok, i just said this division was terrible, but this is the one bright spot.  This team gets a solid C+.  The receivers are great.  Boldin has shown himself to be a top caliber guy in this league, which is hard to demonstrate on a team with this much qb confusion.  You gotta give it up for Warner at his age, and you gotta secretly enjoy seeing yet another Heisman winner be a bust.  But…..don’t kid yourself; this team does not have the makings of a playoff team, even in this division.

St. Louis: I still don’t know how this team is so bad.  I know they’re bad, but not how.  Obviously their defense is awful, but teams like N.O. and Indy have gotten away with that.  Bad defense can explain 7-9, but doesn’t explain 2-14.  Bulger is Bulger; he’s not great but he’s good.  Tory Holt is one of the best in the business, and Steven Jackson is excellent.  But, that being said, they are terrible.  New coach, new town, new qb?  All of the above?  I don’t know, but they’ve got big issues.

Seattle: Hmmmm, the sun is perhaps setting on a once slightly better than mediocre team.  Hey, I like Matt Hasselbeck, I really do.  But its hard for him to be all things.  He’s never had a decent crew of wr’s and he’s gettin old.  And Julius Jones isn’t the answer.  I know, I know, he had a great week.  And I’ll concede that he isn’t a bad back.  But that’s about all you can say.  He’s fast, but he’s slow out of the backfield, and unless you can drive a train through the hole, he’s not hitting it hard.  This team is gonna have to reinvent itself very soon.

San Francisco:  Hmmmmm.  Frank Gore is awesome.  What else?  Not much.  BUT!!!!  Fans gotta be pleased with Smith being out of the picture and also with the surprisingly adequate play by J.T. O’Potatoes.  Really, he doesn’t look half bad.  But….well, you know.  What else can you say, except thank god this team has finally been bad for a long time.